Encouragement in the Wilderness of Suffering, Part 1

Every time I learn of the death of anyone, but especially the death of a child, I pray that the bereaved family has a circle of support that surrounds them  with the hope and courage that only faith in Christ can give. And I pray that their support system forces themselves to find a way to offer that help and hope, because I know they probably feel completely helpless and clueless as to what to do.

I also pray that their friends and family will not give up, will recognize that most of what they offer as help and hope might at first appear to be no comfort or help at all.  That's just the way of grief.  Friends and family often get tired of the tears, depression, sadness, so much so that they question whether the broken hearted person is even "trying to get better."

How Can I Help?

In every Q & A session I have during a conference, someone shares a grieving friend's story and then asks, "How can we help this family? Because nothing we do seems to be helping."

And vignettes from the hours after the death of our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, flash in my soul, one gut-wrenching picture after another. And I immediately remember those who refused to leave us alone, who walked with us, not just for days, but some for years.  I also think of those who could not stand how "abnormal" we were, and how they slowly slipped away, because we could not be who we use to be. And I don't blame them - walking with a grieving person is so, so hard. While I'm grateful for those who chose to stand with us in the abyss, no matter how little progress we seemed to be making, I'm also sad they had to see us in such a devastated state. But their presence was also a priceless treasure that gave us hope that one day, we would find a new level of normal.

Fast-forward far enough and I also remember when I began to see the treasures of encouragement that God sent through His people to help turn our hearts toward Him. When I'm asked that question at a conference, "How can we help our grieving friend" I give a few ideas gleaned from the actions of these faithful friends and then I suggest that they read Chapter 11 in my book, Treasures of Encouragement. I list things to not say and do as well as what to say and do. Below are things NOT to say and do. In my next post I'll list things TO say and do. If you don't need this list now, you will, so feel free to copy it and tuck it away for future ministry. Better yet, get a copy of Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women and learn how thinking biblically prepares you to encourage others to trust God in the darkness.
 
From Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women, pages 191 - 192:

A sensitive heart does not say:

~I understand.

~Call me if you need me.

~You can have more children, get married again, fill your life with other things, etc.

~I don't know what to do. (And then prove it by doing nothing.)

~God needed him more than you.

~God must really love you to put you through this.

~You have to get on with your life.

~Don't cry.

~Be strong!

A sensitive heart does not...

~Try to be always cheerful.

~Try to explain why.

~Think her grieving friend is crazy.

~Compare losses.

Next: What a sensitive heart will say and do.

Until then, may you experience God's special presence as you offer your friend the treasures of His encouragement.
In His grip,
Sharon

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PS For Grief Resources - some free.

Loss of a Loved One is an interview with Chuck and me, in which we share our own grief journey.  Available free of charge.