The Train is Coming
Nineteen years ago this morning, I dropped off our sons at their new job. I especially remember how proud sixteen-year-old Mark seemed, dressed in a crisp white shirt and tie. His previous work experience was construction and this new job meant working inside in air conditioning. It was a normal day, like any other day, except it wasn't. And the only One Who knew how upside down it would end was our God. Following is a post about that day originally published on July 6, 2011.
The Train is Coming
Eighteen years ago July 4 was on a Sunday. We celebrated Communion during the worship service. Our sixteen-year-old son, Mark, sat on one side of me and seventeen-year-old Daniel sat on the other. I rubbed their backs as they bowed to pray before taking the elements.
What was in their minds? Was this a special moment with the Lord or were they thinking about our cook out plans and getting together with friends for fireworks later?
At a recent outdoor concert followed by a fireworks display, Dan told me the night reminded him of July 4, 1993, one of his last nights with his brother. His comment took me back to seeing our kids, their cousins and friends in our driveway, deciding who would ride with whom and where they would meet up.
We had just finished a 4th of July barbeque that included both sides of our family, lots of cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Within minutes the loud laughter and story telling subsided as different family groups left to watch fireworks in their own neighborhoods. Chuck and I declined all their invitations to join them, saying we would watch the neighbors mini-displays from a blanket in our own backyard.
While the neighbors illegally set off their fireworks, we reminisced about the "laughter in the walls" of our home and wondered what the next year would bring. Deep contentment and joy soaked our souls. No one, no one could have known that within 48 hours, our lives would be forever changed. Our son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, would die in a car accident ten minutes after they left our home.
The train of grief is coming, The vibration of its thundering speed and the faint, lonely whistle in the distance warn me. Yes, it is coming. I know it is useless to try to outrun it. Yet, I have learned over the past 18 years that the train can also bring strange comfort and treasures. Within the past week, a special friend that didn't know Mark told me that she starts praying more for us at the beginning of every July and that at a recent worship service, she thought about Mark and wondered what part our drummer son might have had in the worship band. Another young friend who attended school with Mark, starting in preschool, shared a funny story that I had never heard. Mark's cousins told me a story that made me laugh and they reassured me that they think of Mark a lot. The coming train gives them courage to mention his name.
Every time we celebrate Communion, I think about July 4, 1993, and I wonder again what Mark was thinking about that last Sunday we worshipped together. The approaching train of grief drives me to search for meaning and to watch for treasures of encouragement that will help me withstand the power of the anticipated collision.
Today I remember how Jesus thanked God for the bread and wine at the last meal He would share with His disciples, knowing a cruel death awaited Him within hours of that meal. Picture the peace He displayed as He thanked God for the provision of sustenance, His disciples not realizing the thanks was an act of surrender to God's purposes for Him. I picture myself at that table and Jesus looking into my eyes and firmly exhorting me: Do this in remembrance of me. He knows my circumstances,my anguish, my longing for what was. Yet my big brother reminds me that thanking God for the blessings He gives us, no matter the darkness, and perhaps especially in the middle of the darkness, helps equip me for whatever may be coming. Jesus thanked God for blessings in the middle of anguish and by thanking God, He surrendered to God's sovereign love. Thanking God recognizes that He is our Refuge, Rest, Rescue and Rock. He is giving me the secret for surviving the coming collision.
The train is coming. But the train will not destroy me for I am learning to thank God for His provisions, His blessings and to surrender to His purposes.
The train is coming. But I am not afraid.
In His grip,
Sharon