Who Is This Person?
Carla Miller, Guest Writer
Today’s Treasure
But in the real world, mountains tumble, and rocks crumble; streams wear away stones and wash away soil. And you destroy our hopes! You change the way we look…
Job 14:18-20a CEV
Our four adult children confirmed my growing fears: they, too, saw disturbing changes in their 67-year-old father’s speaking and language abilities. For months, my husband, Gregg, had been struggling to retrieve words and verbalize his thoughts. He seemed mildly confused and his mental processing was delayed. I discussed our observations with Gregg and, thankfully, although he was not self-aware of these changes, he was amenable to accepting professional help.
Locating a reputable geriatric psychiatrist who was accepting new patients and then securing an appointment slot took close to 6 months. While waiting, I conjured up possible scenarios, none positive, none easy, none simple. A brain tumor, sleep apnea, and a heart condition were ruled out. Gregg’s physical health was confirmed as good, except, the psycho-neurological exam paired with MRI results showed brain changes in line with developing dementia. Gregg was diagnosed with a progressive, chronic and incurable disease! It felt like mountains were tumbling and rocks were crumbling all around us in this “real world” of sickness, heartache, disappointment, and anger.
Gregg’s illness is rapidly changing him from the man I have known for over 50 years. His initiative, planning, speech, comprehension, problem-solving, and memory are all affected adversely. Those continual reductions in capabilities result in an ever-evolving personality, but this does not diminish his intrinsic value. If a non-brain body part was ill, say his lungs, his lymphatic system, or his legs, I would not view him as a “mind without a body.” Yet, because our mind is inextricably tied to the formation and expression of our personality, brain changes are harder for us to attribute to illness, perhaps paving the way to view a cognitively challenged person as a “body without a head.” It is key for me to consciously view Gregg with the same respect, devotion, and esteem I have held for him over our 48-year relationship, perhaps in greater breadth and depth, because that is what he needs and that is what love does.
My world and Gregg’s resemble Venn diagrams that substantially overlap, so much of his reality also becomes mine. I cannot recast the unwelcome diagnosis or modify the symptoms, but I can learn to accept them. All things arrive in our lives only after passing through the grid of God’s character and purposes. Just as Jesus told Pilate in John 19:
You would have no authority over Me at all if it had not been given to you from above…
John 19:11
Nothing happens without God superintending it.
The earth is the Lord’s, and the fullness of it, the world and those who dwell in it.
Psalm 24:1
God’s in charge!
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
God not only knows what is happening to your loved one, He is intricately involved! You witness your loved one undergoing changes that break your heart. Remember, those changes only arrived in his/her life after passing through the checkpoint of God’s steadfast love and faithfulness. God sees the big picture of your life and, for some good reason, probably never revealed or understood this side of paradise, this “new” person you are living with is a necessary part of God’s plan for you. If you allow it, you will grow closer to the One who permitted this in your life. Follow medical advice, do your own research, try recommended medications, and pray for healing, but ultimately accept the diagnosis and your new circumstances. Don't waste effort, energy, and engagement trying to change your reality, by resisting and chafing against it.
PRAYER
Loving and Faithful Father, Help me to welcome the situations that seem contrary to Your goodness. We easily accept that “all good things come from Your hand.” Do I also believe that all things that come from You are “good” and for Your good purposes in my life? Draw me closer to Christ through this situation. Amen.
Sharon W. Betters is author of Treasures of Encouragement, Treasures in Darkness and co-author of Treasures of Faith. She is Director of Resource Development and co-founder of MARKINC.org, a non profit organization that offers help and hope to hurting people. Sharon enjoys quality time with her husband, children, fourteen grandchildren, and one great-grandchild.
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Contact Sharon with comments or questions at dailytreasure@markinc.org.