In Remembrance
by Patsy Kuipers
Today’s Treasure
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:17-18
On a sunny spring day in 1997, my beloved husband was laid to rest in a small country cemetery in North Carolina. The part of my heart that belonged to Ray went into the grave with him that late-April afternoon. Widowed at age 38, I couldn’t bear to think about the future looming long and lonely ahead of me, bereft of my partner and the father of our two young daughters.
Months passed and a new normal took shape for us. The laughter returned and moments of joy began to outnumber those of sorrow. Even so, there were days when the pain of losing someone so dear would wash over me as forcefully as in the early weeks of loss, knocking me off balance.
I was experiencing such a day during a visit to one of my company’s customers. Sensing my sadness, the woman I was meeting with inquired about how I was coping. When I confessed how difficult some days were she introduced me to a concept I’ve held onto ever since. She suggested I envision a beautiful piece of furniture, a chest with many drawers, each containing memories and their associated emotions. She went on with the analogy saying, “When memories of your husband’s death arise at a time when you feel you aren’t able to deal with them, imagine tucking them into one of the drawers, closing it gently, and re-opening it when you’re ready to do so.”
The image resonated with me and I put it into practice. Sometimes a drawer springs open and catches me off guard, times when a memory overwhelms me and I struggle to shut the drawer. But more often the mental image has served me well.
I’m intentional about opening drawers the week before and the week after the anniversary of Ray’s death. I think about how we spent our last few days, oblivious to the fact our time together was winding down. I remember the day of his passing with such clarity it could have happened recently, not so long ago. And I recollect the days following, when I had to make decisions I never expected, much less wanted to make at such an early age. My reminiscences are deliberate and purposeful, a way to honor Ray as well as remind myself of lessons learned and affirmed by losing him. Lessons such as the importance of numbering our days aright and keeping current in our relationships with those we hold dear. The need to keep things in perspective, saving emotional distress for things that can’t be “fixed,” no matter how much money or time you invest. And its corollary: things can be replaced, but people can’t be. The power of prayer is palpable when raised up by myriad family members and friends on one’s behalf.
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
I’ve journaled since my college days, filling numerous notebooks along the way. On the night I returned home from the hospital, dazed and in shock, I penned these words: “This is the worst day of my life up to this point – Ray, my dear, dear husband and friend died tonight. Even as I write it I don’t believe it. It will probably take time for the numbness to wear off, but when it does, Lord, please enfold Mary, Jessie, and me in your love. I don’t understand this and I can’t even begin to imagine what my life will be like without him.” I was right. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like and to this day I don’t understand. But God heard my cry that night and many nights since. He’s been so faithful to me and my family, loving and sustaining us all the years we’ve been without Ray.
Which brings me to another point regarding the imaginary chest: it contains multiple drawers. Although some hold memories that evoke sadness, there are many more containing ones associated with great joy. I open those frequently, reliving and savoring the moments, praising God for His goodness and grace. And each year when April 19th comes around, I remind myself I’m another year closer to once again seeing the man I was blessed to call my husband. The reunion is guaranteed because of the broken body and spilled blood of the One who instructed his followers to remember Him, His sacrifice, His promises. And so we wait in hope and assurance.
Patsy Kuipers often refers to herself as “Gardening Grammie”, a title that encompasses two of her favorite pastimes. Widowed at age 38, she was blessed to be gainfully employed all the years she spent raising two daughters on her own. When her job was eliminated several years ago, she returned to school to study horticulture, a passion born of caring for the garden her husband left as part of his legacy. Patsy is Grammie to three small but enthusiastic garden helpers. She enjoys teaching them about plants and the One who created them. Patsy started her blog, Back 2 the Garden (patsykuipers.com), to tell others of God’s great love and faithfulness. She is a member of Grace Covenant Church in Dallas, GA where she serves on the Women’s Ministry Committee and leads women’s Bible studies.
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