Townville Community - A City of Tears
Townville, SC (WLTX, WSPA) - The mother of Jacob Hall, the 6-year-old who died from injuries sustained in a school shooting in South Carolina, called her son a "angel" who loved his mommy and taught her how to forgive. (Source: WLTX< WSPA, October 5, 2016)
Jacob's parents, Renae and Rodger Hall, said in a statement before the funeral, "Jacob came into our lives six years and four months ago and changed it completely. He showed us how to love, laugh and smile even on days we did not want to. God gave him to us, and he was taken away from us by a senseless act."
Grief rocks the community of Townville but in the middle of the dark abyss, the one most shattered by sorrow offers comfort with statements like these:
"Jacob was forgiving. What happened to Jacob, Jacob forgives already. He's in heaven smiling down on us and he's asking his mommy to be strong to forgive just like he would have."
“We know that Jacob has already forgiven this child for what he did to him and his family because that's the kind of child he was. Jacob was sent to this earth for this short a period of time to show us that there is such a thing as pure love. Jacob is in heaven with God now and everyone who loves him. Words cannot express how much we will miss him."
The sweet memory she shares of Jacob telling his mommy and daddy that he was Catboy immediately pulls in every parent of a happy, imaginative little boy who believes he will save the world and protect those he loves:
"He told me and his daddy one day he said, you know what I got a secret. I got superpowers. He said I'm Catboy. And at night when you and mommy and daddy are sleeping, I got out and I save the town...so If you ever feel a chill on your back, a brush on your cheek, you know that that was my Jacob coming to save the day."
As for so many other parents, her words bring back vignettes of our two little boys in their Superman PJ's with makeshift capes, conquering the bad guys of the world.
My heart breaks for this precious family because I know so well the long, treacherous grief journey they must travel.
I know this journey so well because I continue to walk the pathway of sorrow after the death of our youngest child, sixteen-year-old Mark.
Such a horrific loss in Townville stirs up not only deep grief for Jacob's family, but also for the entire community.
Townville Elementary School and Fear
Last week over three thousand people read my post,
. Such interest reveals the hunger for help in dealing with the profound emotions shaking this community. Shortly after posting it, little Jacob died. Grief already permeated this community - grief over the shattered life of a fourteen-year-old boy who wreaked such horror by killing his father and then randomly shooting elementary school children who were on recess. Grief over the lost innocence of the town's children. Grief for the family of the fourteen-year-old shooter. The death of a beloved six year old boy exponentially compounds such sorrow.
One of the immediate questions for those who love Jacob's family and the family of the fourteen-year-old shooter is, "How can we help?" While Jacob's mother intentionally makes decisions with the goal of helping Jacob's classmates process his death, the total horror of the loss of her little boy will hit her like a tidal wave as the shock starts to wear off. This broken family will need all kinds of support as they try to find a new normal without their little boy.Though Jacob's family expresses great faith, even with great faith, there is deep pain in grief. Speaking as a bereaved mother, I thought the pain of Mark's death was beyond bearing in the first days and weeks, but that sorrow was only a taste of the approaching grief tsunami. Without faithful friends, I would have succumbed to despair.
Often our fear and feelings of helplessness grow when the brokenness of this world intrudes into the lives of our family and friends. We are fearful that what has happened to them might happen to us. And so we sometimes avoid hurting people because we don't want to be confronted with the reality of living in this messy world. Once we get past that barrier, though, we frequently conclude that we are ill-equipped to comfort or encourage someone whose life has been turned upside down by grief or loss. Yet God commands us to weep with those who weep. To comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have experienced.
People are often afraid to reach out to a shattered person because they don't know what to say or how to fix that person. There is great comfort in knowing our job is not to fix a shattered person. Our job is to offer help and hope that will help turn their hearts toward the Ultimate Comforter, our God. Living fearlessly in a fear-filled world requires a commitment to care about those around you. Here are some helpful ways to offer comfort to a grieving friend:
1. Each person's grief journey is unique. Their grief is their's. Don't tell them how to feel, how to act.
2. Say the loved one's name. You will not make things worse. I still tear up when someone mentions Mark. You are not making their grief worse. One of our greatest fears is that our loved one will be forgotten. Tell stories and ask the bereaved friend to share stories. Simple words like, "I miss him, too" will help carry the grief and never be forgotten.
2. Do not try to fix what cannot be fixed. This might seem like advice that communicates hopelessness, but in reality, it is comforting for a bereaved person to know they are with someone who recognizes the sorrow cannot be wiped away by human hands. This is also empowering to the encourager, to know that your job is to help turn their hearts toward the Only One Who can "fix them."
3. Be willing to absorb and watch your friend express unspeakable sorrow and anguish. This will be terrifying, but we need people who are willing to go into hell with us. Guard the privacy of your friend's private grief. Be a safe place for transparency.
4. Don't say, "Call me if you need me." Your friend will not call you. We don't have energy to even think about calling you. Anticipate needs that the bereaved person cannot identify. People just showed up for us and took care of practical things like watering plants, taking out the dog, etc., without asking.
5. Realize your grieving friend will most likely hurt your feelings, say things that are mean, forget to appreciate you. Don't take it personally. Grieving people can barely breathe, let alone cultivate a friendship. Grief is ugly and sometimes selfish. This is not about you. But, make sure you have friends who support you so that you can go into the darkness with your friend.
6. Give up needing to be the public "best friend" of the grieving person. Be willing to do the background work of life for them, such as practical ways to keep their household running: putting out the trash and bringing in the cans, walking the dog, watering the flowers, things they may never know you did but will make their life easier as they do the heavy lifting of grief work.
7. Check with your friend about tasks that seem mundane. Don't change the bedsheets or do the laundry or paint over the fingerprints on the wall without asking. These little things might have special meaning that cannot be replaced.
8. Don't take authority over big decisions that is not yours. Make sure the bereaved wants you to make decisions about their loved one (funeral arrangements, etc.). Are you beginning to see how complicated comfort can be? On the one hand a bereaved person needs friends to step in and take care of daily tasks, on the other hand, the bereaved person needs to feel in charge of decisions about their loved one. Follow your friend's lead, gently, carefully.
9. If you are close to your friend, with her permission, be a gatekeeper. Relay helpful information to friends, help visitors know to keep their visits short.
10. Show up and be dependable. Show up and unconditionally love the shattered person. Educate yourself on what your friend might be feeling and needing.
Loss of a Loved One
My husband and I share our grief journey in an interview you can listen or download for free:
. Bereaved people often ask their families and friends to listen to this resource as a way to better understand what they are feeling and how their friends can help. I would love to hear from you, the reader, how people encouraged you, or how you encourage others.
A Bright Star in the City of Tears
Jacob's mother is a bright star in this dark sorrow. While our hearts break with these words:
"He loved me, his mommy we had a bond like no mother and son will ever have. He loved his daddy, he loved to tell stories, he had an imagination that was as big as he was and as bright as he was."
We have hope as Jacob's life encourages us to walk by faith in this messy world:
"Jacob taught me to love God. Jacob loved God so much that he was not afraid to go home to God. Anytime I was sad, or had a bad day, he would touch my face and tell me to pray to Jesus, Jesus would make it okay."
May we each find a way to offer this same comfort to broken people in this messy world.
Leave a comment and let me know how you encourage others, or how people are encouraging you in a dark place. Your comments will encourage others to "go and do likewise." Thank you!
In His grip,
Sharon W. Betters
MARKINC Ministries
www.markinc.org
