Grow Up, Not Old - God Must Have Smiled
I was 18 years old and thought I was in love. My boyfriend was deployed to Germany and when he came home in December he wanted us to get married. I would return to Germany with him. I announced my plans to my father (I chose this moment carefully - my mother was away on a retreat). Instead of putting his foot down and telling me absolutely not, he calmly asked what I intended to do about my two year scholarship to Goldey Beacom Junior College. With confidence, I responded: "I will attend until December and then tell them I don't need it any more." Daddy smiled his little smile and said,
"Sharon, when you applied for and won this scholarship, your acceptance of it implies that you plan to graduate. If now you do not plan to graduate, you are lying to the National Secretary's Association. They gave you the scholarship because they believe in your integrity, not just your skills. You don't just lie with words, you lie with behavior. If you don't plan to graduate, you need to give it back to them so they can give it someone else." Then he told me about how he and my mother eloped (during World War II and everyone knew they were eloping) and how being a military couple affected their lives. One thing led to another and soon Daddy was talking about how severe financial problems forced him to move us to Newark, Delaware. He said, "You know, at the time, everything looked like a disaster. But if we had not moved here, we wouldn't have found the church and you kids might not have met Jesus....in other words, God had a plan for us. He always has a plan."
The next week, I announced to my parents I wasn't getting married and moving to Germany. The romance was over. I attended Goldey Beacom as planned. That following December, the month I would have been married (at 18 years of age) I met my future husband, Chuck, the last night I was waitressing at a local restaurant.
Tell the Next Generation
God always has a plan. The older I grow, the more I see how God uses disappointments and hard places in life - He's not surprised by any of them. In the middle of the hard places God sends treasures, to turn our hearts toward Him, to remind us that He knows us and calls us by name (Isaiah 45:2-3). That's one reason I encourage women to journal, to keep a record, not just for herself, but for those who come after her, as a means to tell the story of God's grace again and again. The writer of Psalm 78 declares,
I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter things hidden from of old - things we have heard and known, things our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he had done.
The older I grow, the more I want to tell the next generation of "things hidden from old....the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done." The Apostle Paul, writing from a prison cell, tells Timothy that "the time has come for my departure" and in the next few verses Paul repeatedly declares the "praiseworthy deeds of the Lord." He's writing from a prison cell, but over and over again, Paul reminds Timothy of the history of God's gracious care of Paul and that Paul confidently awaits the Lord's rescue from every evil attack. He's writing from a prison cell but he was free! As we age, we may feel as though our bodies are prison cells, limiting us from doing what we wish or may have always done. Take a page from Paul's last words, recognize that there is still more to do, tell His story in your life to the next generation.
Speaking of keeping a record of God's presence, this journal entry took me back to the summer of 2004, when stress took up residence in our home, but God's grace clearly over rode all of it. Perhaps something in this record will encourage a reader to "trust and obey," trusting God has a plan. And encourage you to "tell your story" of God's faithfulness, even when life was hard.
God Must Have Smiled
Done - in the mail. Every writing deadline met. The final chapter of Treasures in Darkness is on its way to the publisher.
Only by God's grace and mercy and enabling could this happen.
I'm a little brain dead...but a book titled
A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.
about sums it the writing of this book! I've been writing Treasures i Darkness for over three years but the real beginning was the night Mark died in 1993.
Earlier this year I worked out a writing schedule, taking into consideration the expected early arrival of Heidi and Greg’s twins, and all the family/church needs.
And God must have smiled.
Some writers work for at least an hour every day on their projects. I typically will not write unless I know I have large chunks of time because once I get in the zone, I don't like interruptions and it takes me too long to prime the pump again. So I planned accordingly.
God must have smiled.
Our family planned, too. Before the expected late summer arrival of the twins, Melanie planned extensive, painful surgery for the end of June with the assurance that she would be able to help hold the twins when they were born by the end of July.
God must have smiled.
Dan and Laura and baby Emma moved in, expecting their new house to be completed by mid-July. And I smiled!
And so did God.
We expected Heidi to go on full bed rest in late May. The doctor sent her to bed much earlier and our grandchildren began to see our house as their second home.
My office became a bedroom for two of them.....large chunks of early morning writing time were wiped out by their presence......
and God must have smiled.
I tried to write during nap times and in between visits and would leave the computer wondering what in the world I had written - couldn't remember any of it.
And I know God smiled.
In spite of all the ups and downs of the summer, I met every writing deadline. Then the relatives came! Chuck’s nieces and two small children arrived for a vacation. Our household increased once more. Every space filled with loved ones.
We expected Heidi to be in the hospital, maybe in July for a little while, instead, her doctors sent her to the hospital with preterm labor the end of June, the labor didn't stop.....and on July 7, I received the phone call while I was getting a perm. Three stylists hurriedly pulled the curlers from my hair so I could rush to the hospital where our little twinnies were making an early appearance. My heart raced and tears streamed as I pressed on the gas and pleaded with the Lord, "You are our Rock, Rest, Rescue and Refuge, Lord (Psalm 62)! Our family needs you to be all of these to us right now." Fear for the babies and our daughter filled my heart and scripture was the only defense I could trust.
And God must have smiled.
So, so tiny.
We welcomed Nathan and Abigail into our world.
They were tiny. So tiny. And we all smiled and tried not to be afraid.
Melanie’s surgery was far more invasive and debilitating than she expected. LIttle grandson Markie moved in with us for a while. I had to accept that I could not help her but God more than provided for her needs through Grandmom Brenda who made their home hers. Melanie was bed ridden when the twins were born and and very upset that she couldn't help out.
Writing, you ask? A few minutes here, a few minutes there. Grandchildren were a permanent fixture at our house....trips to the hospital to hold our little twinnies were the norm.
And God must have smiled.
Heidi came home.....the babies would be home in a few weeks. Chuck and I planned a golf day as a break in the responsibilities. While stretching his legs, Chuck dislocated his hip and was in terrible pain.....Required an ambulance ride to the emergency room....put back into place but lots of tenderness and discomfort.....
God may have smiled. But I didn't. And neither did Chuck!
Then Abby Lynn got very sick with a life threatening infection....Forty eight hours of intense fear, unknowns, what if’s, the need to create stability for the other grandchildren…..responsibilities......and fear of losing our sweet little Abby Lynn.
And then the relatives came. Chuck’s nephew arrived for a week of vacation….When we told him his bed would be a sofa and reminded him of the chaos, he said, "I just want to be with you and family - I'm not coming to be entertained." Family. Ahh..
The crisis passed - good news about Abby but her road to recovery would be hard and long, both babies are so frail, so tiny, we now know anything can happen quickly. Vigilance intensified.
None of us were smiling.
I tried to write in between all of this.
What Did I Learn?
I'm getting tired just listing this stuff! Any teaching moments along the way? God had a plan.
Psalm 62 became my mantra. God is my
Rock, Rescue, Rest, Refuge. You, oh God, taught me to take a deep breath with each new stressful event and choose to believe, You ARE my Rock, Rescue, Rest, Refuge. I don't need to hope you would be those things. I could believe that You already are.
God smiles when we make our plans because He has a better one.
Laura and I began to understand why their house wasn’t ready. They would have been moving in the middle of July but instead we acted as a tag team taking care of grandchildren and house responsibilities.
I needed Laura in our home. I needed all of them. Precious time with the grandchildren, hugs and stories and bedtime rituals, that feeling when you go to bed and everyone is home, safe and sound. Stabilizing moments of joy in the middle of difficult emotional struggles.
God knew I could not emotionally handle writing this book by spending large chunks of time on it. So He graciously arranged for me to write it in the middle of lots of distractions, urgent needs that required my attention. He supplied the physical and emotional energy to face each day. He taught me that the miracle of the loaves and the fishes still happens today.
It's in serving and obeying, even when it's hard and long, that God often answers the cries of our heart and meets our needs.
As I studied my journals for Treasures in Darkness I was often overwhelmed by the written record of God's intimate love for me. My journals of the past ten years shouted that God is here right now, right in this room with me. I wouldn't have remembered that in the midst of this summer if I hadn't been steeped in the writing project.
Many times I had to force myself to stop crying so that I could keep writing. Some people questioned why I put myself through this. I believe it's God's calling and it's for the sake of someone who needs to know He is faithful and can be trusted. God reminded me that when He calls, He enables, He equips. Little is much when God is in it.
This may sound strange but I had a hard time putting the manuscript in the mail. It's so personal. But my friend, Oswald Chambers said something profound in My Utmost for His Highest, November 1 that helped me send the manuscript on its way:
A Thoroughfare for the World
There is no such thing as a private life - "a world within the world" - for a man or woman who is brought into fellowship with Jesus Christ's sufferings. God breaks up the private life of His saints, and makes it a thoroughfare for the world on the one hand and for Himself on the other.
No human being can stand that unless he is identified with Jesus Christ. We are not sanctified for ourselves, we are called into the fellowship of the Gospel, and things happen which have nothing to do with us, God is getting us into fellowship with Himself.
Let Him have His way, if you do not, instead of being of the slightest use to God in His Redemptive work in the world, you will be a hindrance and a clog. The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid is to our death bed. BUT GOD WILL NOT. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says -"Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine."
If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.
(My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, November 1)
Unfortunately, my heart is too sinful to thank God for breaking my heart, but I am thankful that He promises to redeem our pain.
And God smiles.
In His grip,
Sharon