Follow The Star

SHARON W. BETTERS

TODAY’S TREASURE

While others eagerly anticipate the arrival of long-distance family members with hopes of recreating the simple joys of Christmas traditions, some of you are dreading those arrivals because the beloved one brings a suitcase full of conflict and shattered dreams. Your anxiety level rises as you consider how to navigate their strong rejection of your faith, opinions, and even friendship. A mother knows her son will not even call, let alone stop by, because his girlfriend hates his family; a grandmother doesn’t know how to respond to the grandchild whose appearance and sullenness scream, “I don’t like you! I don’t want to be here!” We cannot respond to each specific dread, but a dear friend has and continues to teach me there is a universal, redemptive path forward, though it is still filled with potholes. My friend agreed to share anonymously how the Lord continues to teach her how to navigate the minefields of loving a prodigal, especially during the holidays:

When Sharon asked if I would write about grief during the holidays because of a prodigal child, I said yes because God has been so faithful as we have navigated the challenges of family gatherings in the midst of challenging relationships. To be honest, I am more relaxed when I don't have to think about these seemingly impossible interactions. But when our dear daughter‘s family is part of our gatherings, the Lord has shown us we are on holy ground doing kingdom work.

We raised our children to know and love the real meaning of Christmas and Easter. To celebrate Christ’s birth reminds them repeatedly of God’s love in sending His son, Jesus, to die for the very sins that separate us from God. As they raise their own families, these truths are even more evident every time we celebrate Christmas as a family. I am trusting that memories of talks, traditions, and activities point my prodigal child’s heart to Jesus at Christmas. These are the times of year we can pray ever more fervently for her that God will grant her repentance, leading her to a knowledge of the truth, and that she will escape the snare of the devil (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Rather than dreading the holiday season, I look at it as an opportunity for my prodigal to be reminded of God’s amazing love. He sees us in our sins and wants us to know His love and His plan for reconciliation to Him. My prodigal needs Jesus' love and forgiveness. Her choice to go her own way is magnified at Christmas time. Of course, her focus on the worldly side can make it seem fruitless, but will she find deep satisfaction at the end of the holiday or feel the emptiness? My fervent prayer is that she will feel that emptiness and return to Jesus!

But what about me? What do I do with those feelings of loss and grief? Difficult family relationships change your perspective on holiday times. And that can be a good thing. It was for me. I no longer feel the pressure to make everything “perfect” for Christmas, especially because we are starting from a more realistic place already. Picture perfect family and family relationships is an oxymoron. Our families are broken. If it appears that the family is perfect, it likely is a facade carefully crafted for appearances. Yes, this was one of my most significant aha moments when I recognized the pride issues I had at the time my daughter came out. I remember distinctly choosing to sit in the back of the auditorium to avoid others seeing the displays of affection between my daughter and her partner. As we spoke with friends who sat behind us about the situation later, they shared that they were in the midst of their son’s similar choices. We shared requests and prayed for one another in these challenges. Our journeys with our prodigals are teaching us what real community can be – where we share the ups and downs of life, praying for one another in the midst of hard circumstances.

Christmas time is full of Hope. But my hope was misplaced. My desperation for my daughter to repent drove me deep into God’s heart, where He showed me I needed real intimacy with Jesus just as much as my daughter. I had a skewed view of how God works. I thought if I checked the boxes to bring my child up in the Lord, she would not go a different way. The truth is we all come to Jesus in different times and ways. A person must see their need for Jesus before they have life-changing faith take root and grow. This is what we hope and pray for our daughter, but it will be on God’s timetable. Although I accepted Jesus as my Savior as a child, it was a crisis of faith for me when my daughter came out. Would I trust God’s work and timing in my daughter’s life journey? Would I trust God and lean into His plan for my own sanctification at the same time? Or would I fight it by trying to force the timetable to meet my own desires? My husband and other mentors counseled me that this was not going to be a short lesson but rather a marathon developing perseverance in prayer and love for our daughter.

God, my Father, also taught me about His kind of love. Although I believed I had a strong love for my daughter, God gave me the opportunity to see the kind of love He could give me for her during this challenging time. He used a new friendship with a believer who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. My heart went out to her. Jesus gave me a love and care for her that could only have come from Him while she was caught in the addiction cycle.

Through this experience, the Lord convicted me that I was judging my daughter, holding her to a higher standard than my friend. I was not loving my daughter with Christ’s unconditional love.

What we celebrate at Christmas time has a new, profound meaning when faced with besetting sin. My realization that God loves us despite our sins is so much deeper and life-transforming!

God does not leave us where we are in our messes. He does give us what we want for a time so we can see how empty life is without Him. Because of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection, when we come to the end of ourselves, His all encompassing love and commitment to us reaches into our messes. The messier our messes the more His love shines. Yes, I believe God is sovereign even in, especially in, our messes. He uses all things to work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28) What Jesus came to do is to reconcile us to God the Father. And at the same time, that brings hope of reconciliation in our family relationships.

But God demonstrates his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

My grief over my daughter's choices drove me to fervent prayer that guided my interactions with her. And rather than avoiding her, through prayer, the Lord compels me to commit to connection with her wherever God provides the opportunity, whether it is holiday time or otherwise. I want to be in the middle of what God is doing through the family gatherings He gives us, especially during holidays.

LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT

As you walk a path with your prodigal child during the holiday season, be thankful for the opportunity for her to be reminded of the truth that God loves her enough to send Jesus to bring about reconciliation with Him. Pray before every contact. Pray for the Lord to show you what gifts will have the most meaning – they may not carry a scripture verse, and that’s okay! Ask the Lord to give you the right heart and words as you speak, text, email, or send a card. Remember, your child knows what you believe, ask the Lord to demonstrate extreme love that might stun your prodigal. Ask the Lord to transform you and prepare you to reflect Him, not just with your child but throughout all of your interactions. And remember, your child’s repentance depends on the work of the Holy Spirit, not you.

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PRAYER

Praise you heavenly Father for loving us all while we were sinners. Helps us to love others in the same way.

Sharon W. Betters is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, pastor’s wife, and cofounder of MARKINC Ministries, where she is the Director of Resource Development. Sharon is the author of several books, including Treasures of Encouragement, Treasures in Darkness, and co-author with Susan Hunt of Aging with Grace. She is the co-host of the Help & Hope podcast and writes Daily Treasure, an online devotional.

Contact Sharon with comments or questions at d ailytreasure@markinc.org.

Loving My Prodigal