Friends and Family Want to Help
By Carla J. Miller, Guest Writer
Today’s Treasure
Carry each other’s burdens and so you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Family and friends want to help in your time of mourning and grief. Let them. Accept graciously what they can offer. Even if their gift is not exactly what you think is needed, please accept it graciously if it does not encroach or offend. Perhaps God has spoken to the giver and led them to supply a need you are as yet unaware is imminent. Their gift is an expression of love, care, and concern. Do ask specifically for what you need, especially if someone inquires. If you need alone time, take it, for as long as you need it, doing whatever feels helpful to you. I was not ready to speak with very many people for several days after learning of Henry’s death. I processed some of my thoughts sitting alone in my car, pulled over at the side of the road. If you need company, request it. For the first week after Henry’s death, our family was magnetically drawn together, just needing one another’s physical presence.
Be humble. We could barely complete the simplest tasks those first few days in shock. Piles of dirty laundry tumbled out of those hastily-packed vacation suitcases, so when dear friends asked how they could help, they picked up the laundry, washed it, dried it, folded it, and returned it. Some clothes were ironed that had not seen an iron in years! Others babysat grandchildren. Requests for “send chocolate” were met. Grocery shopping was completed and delivered. The lawn was mowed.
Friends and family have been there for me in the days and weeks after Henry’s death. Their offerings ministered to me inexplicably. They gave long, compassionate hugs offered in comfort and support. Meals were lovingly planned, purchased, and prepared to feed and nourish us when no one felt like eating, never mind getting a meal together. Lovely flowers and plants graced our home and surrounded us with a constant visual reminder that we were loved and that Henry’s life had been significant. The flowers reminded us there was still beauty in the world. We opened expressive cards and encouraging notes gently prompting us to “grieve, but not without hope”. We received phone calls, texts, and visits letting us know we were not mourning alone but were surrounded by others sharing our sadness. “The prayer(s) of righteous (people) that have power” carried us along and enabled us to rise each morning even when the first thought on our mind was “Henry died”.
There will always be a Henry-shaped scar etched upon my heart where he indelibly touched me but it has become less caustic as God heals my heart, and more of a bittersweet reminder of the sweet, precious gift-on-loan that he was. Now 4 years after Henry “went to be with Jesus,” friends still remember him fondly with me and acknowledge special days and their gestures cheer me. Henry was important to them, too!
Be honest. Talk with your family and friends about what you are thinking and feeling. I talk openly about how much Henry meant to me, what I remember about him, how much I miss him, and how unbelievable it is that he is gone. Even now on certain holidays and anniversaries, the grief can intensify and I ask friends to pray for me. Request and accept the love, support, and presence of friends and family in the months and years to come. You need it.
Family and friends want to help. Let them bless you as they are blessed in the process. "Generous persons will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." (Proverbs 11:25 NIV).
PRAYER
Giver and Provider of All Good Things, You most often deliver Your blessings through the hands and feet of Your people. Help me recognize their hands and feet as Yours and receive their gifts with gratitude. May the gifts be stewarded and used to their fullest and best. Bless the givers whose hearts are attuned to You, who have shared time, thoughts, energy, money, love and other resources they could rightly claim as their own. Use these gifts as bridge builders to new and stronger relationships between us. May I remember that sometimes I am the giver and sometimes I am the receiver, and there is a blessing for both. Amen.
Sharon W. Betters is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, pastor’s wife, and cofounder of MARKINC Ministries, where she is the Director of Resource Development. Sharon is the author of several books, including Treasures of Encouragement, Treasures in Darkness, and co-author with Susan Hunt of Aging with Grace. She is the co-host of the Help & Hope podcast and writes Daily Treasure, an online devotional.
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Contact Sharon with comments or questions at dailytreasure@markinc.org.