Another Year
A few days after the fatal car accident that took the lives of our sixteen-year-old son, Mark, and his friend, Kelly, a friend called to tell us that someone had placed two white crosses on the side of the road at the accident scene. We didn't know the builder of those crosses until years later. The crosses reminded us of our theology. This life is not all there is. At that moment their physical bodies died, Jesus stepped in to usher them into a Place where they would not need faith. Because everything they believed was now a reality.
Chuck and I visit those crosses on Mark's birthday, Easter, Christmas and July 6, the anniversary of Mark's Homegoing. The first year, 1994, we "accidentally" met up with Kelly's parents, who like us, were placing flowers on her cross. We formed a circle, held hands and prayed, asking our God to keep all of His promises. As time took its toll on the original wooden crosses, our son-in-law, Greg, replaced them, using a material that would last. Another friend regularly weeds the area surrounding the crosses, extending respect and honor to us and the memory of our son and his friend.
As is our custom, Chuck and I placed flowers on Mark's cross again this year, the 23rd anniversary of his Homegoing. To our surprise, another "secret angel" had been there before us and written the names of Mark and Kelly on their crosses. Who is this person? We may never know, but clearly, it is someone who still remembers and cares.
Hard as I try to pretend this day is like every other day, several days before the anniversary tears are quick to come. How I long to see our son. Twenty-three years ago, I refused to believe I would one day be that woman who mentioned she "lost a child" ten years ago, fifteen years ago......because I knew I would never survive the grief for that long. And yet, here I am.
I struggled to find new words to describe my grief. Instead, I shared an old blog post
"The Train is Coming"
And words written by me in 2010 comfort and encourage me to once more choose to believe that God is sovereign and I can trust Him:
The train of grief is coming, The vibration of its thundering speed and the faint, lonely whistle in the distance warn me. Yes, it is coming. I know it is useless to try to outrun it. Yet, I have learned over the past 18 years that the train can also bring strange comfort and treasures.
Today I remember how Jesus thanked God for the bread and wine at the last meal He would share with His disciples, knowing a cruel death awaited Him within hours of that meal. Picture the peace He displayed as He thanked God for the provision of sustenance, His disciples not realizing the thanks was an act of surrender to God's purposes for Him. I picture myself at that table and Jesus looking into my eyes and firmly exhorting me: Do this in remembrance of me. He knows my circumstances,my anguish, my longing for what was. Yet my big brother reminds me that thanking God for the blessings He gives us, no matter the darkness, and perhaps especially in the middle of the darkness, helps equip me for whatever may be coming. Jesus thanked God for blessings in the middle of anguish and by thanking God, He surrendered to God's sovereign love. Thanking God recognizes that He is our Refuge, Rest, Rescue and Rock. He is giving me the secret for surviving the coming collision.
(The Train is Coming)
The names of our children on "their crosses" reminds me that God continues to give me "treasures in the darkness, riches stored in secrets places so that I might know He is the Lord my God, the One Who calls ME by name. " (Isaiah 45:2-3.) He knows my name, just as He knows Mark's and Kelly's.
July 6, 2016
And so, yes.....
The train is coming. But the train will not destroy me for I am learning to thank God for His provisions, His blessings and to surrender to His purposes.
The train is coming. But I am not afraid.
(The Train is Coming)
In His grip,
Sharon