Listen More, Talk Less
“Are you even listening to me?”
Have you ever asked someone that question? We all know what it is like to speak to someone and then realize they haven't heard a word we said. We can tell by their body language that they are thinking about something else or simply don't even care to listen. We also know what it is like to share our thoughts with someone, only to have them interrupt us so they can speak their own mind, or to think they know what we will say, so they cut us off, assuming they know the rest of the story.
When this happens, we might feel frustrated, unheard, and disrespected. We may wonder if that person really cares about us after all. We may share less about ourselves with that person in the future.
When it comes to our relationship with our adult children, listening matters now more than ever. While we may have spent much of their younger years giving them instruction, in this new season our relationship has shifted to more listening and less talking.
A Good Listener
The challenge is, listening can be a struggle. We are easily distracted—by daydreaming, noises and other interruptions, and our pressing thoughts and emotions—which keep us from maintaining focus on the person talking to us. We are far too quick to bypass listening and jump right into talking. James tells us, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Proverbs 29:20 says, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Jesus quoted Isaiah when he spoke of those who could not hear what he came to proclaim:
For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.
Matthew 13:15
Listening doesn’t come naturally in our fallen state. But it’s so important to our relationships with others. Listening communicates that we value the other person, that we want to know and understand them, and that we are with them. Listening helps the other person process their thoughts and feelings aloud, and often, in that process, they learn something about themselves. Listening is an act of humility, showing that we don’t assume that we know everything and that we want to hear another person’s perspective.
Listening is a way to love our adult children.
An Active Listener
While listening may seem a passive activity, it’s actually quite active. It requires attending to the other person, tuning out distractions, and focusing on the words of another. It’s an activity that engages our whole bodies. We show we are listening through our body language by turning to face the person speaking. We lean in to hear better. We show openness by not crossing our arms or displaying a defensive posture. We don’t tap our fingers on the table with impatience or check our text messages. We are present in the moment.
We then show our attentiveness by asking questions to ensure we understand what was said. Let me make sure I understood you correctly: do you mean…? I heard you say…It sounds like you are saying...is that correct? We can also summarize what our son or daughter said and reflect it back to them. They may need to reword things or explain things differently. This helps bring clarity to everyone.
Once we’ve shown we did, in fact, hear what was said, we can respond. Perhaps we heard something behind the words—something that reflects our son or daughter’s heart—and we point that out. I’m wondering if there might be some fear about this decision…I hear some doubts in your voice. What do you think? This gives our adult child the opportunity to consider matters of the heart prayerfully. Or maybe we have follow-up questions that can help bring greater insight into the discussion. These questions are not for the purpose of interrogation; rather, they are simply to grow in understanding and perhaps will help our adult child to see something that was previously missed.
It’s hard not to jump in and solve problems for our adult children. After all, we are used to being the experts on their lives. We are used to being in charge. But this new stage requires a different way, the way of listening. And the more we do so, the richer our relationship will be.
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
Do you find it hard to pivot from telling your adult child what to do with their life to listening and coming alongside them as they navigate circumstances in their life? Why do you think the Bible prioritizes listening over speaking? What are some practical steps you can take to grow in this area?
PRAYER
Father in heaven, I confess that I struggle to listen. It’s truly an exercise that challenges me. This is true with my adult children, and more so with You. Help me, Holy Spirit, to grow in this area. Help me to hear You when You speak to me through Your Word. And help me to listen to my adult child. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Christina Fox received her undergraduate degree from Covenant College and her master’s in counseling from Palm Beach Atlantic University. She is a retreat speaker, content editor for enCourage, and the author of multiple books, including Closer Than a Sister: How Union with Christ Helps Friendships to Flourish, Idols of a Mother’s Heart, and Like Our Father: How God Parents Us and Why That Matters for Our Parenting. She also works in alumni relations for Covenant College. Christina prefers her coffee black and from a French press, and enjoys antiquing, hiking, traveling, and reading. She lives in Chattanooga with her husband, where they are empty nesters. You can find her at @christinarfox.
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Sharon W. Betters is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, pastor’s wife, and cofounder of MARKINC Ministries, where she is the Director of Resource Development. Sharon is the author of several books, including Treasures of Encouragement, Treasures in Darkness, and co-author with Susan Hunt of Aging with Grace. She is the co-host of the Help & Hope podcast and writes Daily Treasure, an online devotional.
Contact Sharon with comments or questions at dailytreasure@markinc.org.
