A Mother’s Fears
“I’m sorry for telling you what to do. You are an adult and not a child.”
I said this recently to one of my adult sons. It’s not the first time I’ve had to apologize.
I’m in a new transition of life and like all transitions, there is a bit of stretching going on within me as I move from parenting teens to young adults. I’m adjusting. Adapting. Changing. Letting go. I remember this well from when our oldest was born, that sense that everything has changed and I better adjust quickly to my new normal.
Now I’m having to learn what it looks like to be a parent of adults, navigating the fine line between giving advice when asked and not giving commands.
At the heart of this struggle (and perhaps most of my parenthood struggles!) is fear. Fear of change. Fear of not having control. Fear of failure. Fear of harm. You name it, if there’s a fear connected to parenting, I’ve felt it. And now, as I watch the young men I’ve raised go off into the world and make their own decisions, I feel those fears rise within me, and I want to reach out and grasp hold of them.
And that’s when I find myself apologizing again.
The Lord has taught me a lot about fear over the years, and I find I have to return to those lessons and remind myself of those truths once again.
Not all my worries and concerns are wrong:
I used to grow frustrated with myself over my worries and fears about my children, as though I ought not to have any concerns at all. As though we don’t live in a fallen world where bad things do happen, where there are legitimate fearful circumstances in our lives. But I’m reminded that the Apostle Paul had concerns and worries for the church:
…there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches.
2 Corinthians 11:28
He cared for the people he brought to faith and was like a father to many of the early church elders and leaders. He was anxious about the temptations they faced and the very real risk that they might follow a false gospel. This reminds me that there are legitimate cares and concerns we have for our loved ones. We should labor to feed our families, take our loved ones to the doctor when they are sick, and follow necessary precautions when a dangerous storm is on the way. I appreciate John Calvin’s words from his commentary on Matthew 6 that God “does not forbid every kind of care, but only what arises from distrust.”
God Is Greater
Anyone who has read the Bible at any length will notice a recurring phrase, “do not fear.” It’s found hundreds of times in Scripture. It can often seem like a trite statement, as though it’s an easy thing to just decide not to have any worries or fears. But God knows our frame; He knows our weaknesses, frailties, and our finitude. He knows our temptations and sins, our sorrows and cares. And He is not being trite. When He tells us not to fear, it’s because He knows that we need the regular reminder that He is present and that He is greater than all that we fear. These words are meant to be a comfort to us. Anytime we see this command, something follows it. The Bible doesn’t just leave us with the command; it then points us to who God is and what He has done:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Is. 43:1).
A Question for My Heart
So, when I do feel anxious or worried or fearful about my adult children, I’m then led to take an honest assessment of my heart and ask, “Is this rooted in distrust?” What is my heart in this? Am I looking at a situation and seeing it as bigger than the God who numbers the hairs on all our heads? Am I thinking that I know better than the God who wove each strand of my sons’ DNA together after His own image? Am I trying to control something that is not under my power to control? Parenting young children once gave me the illusion of control. After all, I could pick up a child and move him where I wanted. But even then, I never had control; God did. And now that they are grown, He continues to watch over and care for them just as He always has. The question is, do I trust Him?
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
How about you? What fears do you have about your adult children? Do you trust God to care for them?
PRAYER
Father, I thank You that You know the worries and fears of my heart. You know my fears as a mom. The fears around letting go—the fears around change. Calm my anxious heart. Help me to know You are near. Help me to remember who You are and what You have done for me. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Christina Fox received her undergraduate degree from Covenant College and her master’s in counseling from Palm Beach Atlantic University. She is a retreat speaker, content editor for enCourage, and the author of multiple books, including Closer Than a Sister: How Union with Christ Helps Friendships to Flourish, Idols of a Mother’s Heart, and Like Our Father: How God Parents Us and Why That Matters for Our Parenting. She also works in alumni relations for Covenant College. Christina prefers her coffee black and from a French press, and enjoys antiquing, hiking, traveling, and reading. She lives in Chattanooga with her husband, where they are empty nesters. You can find her at @christinarfox.
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Sharon W. Betters is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, pastor’s wife, and cofounder of MARKINC Ministries, where she is the Director of Resource Development. Sharon is the author of several books, including Treasures of Encouragement, Treasures in Darkness, and co-author with Susan Hunt of Aging with Grace. She is the co-host of the Help & Hope podcast and writes Daily Treasure, an online devotional.
Contact Sharon with comments or questions at dailytreasure@markinc.org.
